My liver just broke up with me...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
