I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm both gender and math confused
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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