My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
