In the future we'll all be gay
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
