I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
