There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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