my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
