Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
