I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I still have a little drunk in my system
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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