he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
