Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
