I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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