drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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