Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
