Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
