I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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