If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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