She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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