where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Someone came in the potted fern
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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