she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
50% drunk capacity currently
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
