im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
where are you?
Hypothermia
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
