The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
