How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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