Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
