Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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