those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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