I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
