Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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