I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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