the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
