did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
