You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
