Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
