just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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