it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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