We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
