you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
