I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I fill condoms, not promises.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
