grandma shit on top of the toilet
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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