I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
