Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
