i already hear my dad disowning me
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
