Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
