apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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