so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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