So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
