people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
