Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
