i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
