If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
